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A letter to you if you read my blog

I am sorry that I forgot/did not remember to tell you that I really did love you for the first few months at least until my feelings became so mixed.

I do not take back anything I said to you the other night; it is all truth. I was genuinely accidentally hurting myself again and again like you did to me and it was so fucked up and making me cry and making me distressed so I had to talk to you.

I do miss you and the good moments together despite it all but I know this is all for the best and it was so unhealthy and toxic and codependent and I am never crawling back again.

You showed me such kindness and affection and yet at the same time treated me like shit by constantly commenting on my body all the time and telling me how much you loved fucking me and I really don’t believe you when you said you loved me so fucking so much because you seemed to only love fucking me.

Do you not even remember when I left the flat for good and you said that you didn’t care if we didn’t last forever and it didn’t matter? And that really broke my heart.

I know that you did a lot to accommodate for my needs given my past history but it was ultimately not enough; those ‘mistakes’ you refer to were fucking assault.

And it kept happening again and again and then you kept not asking for full consent.

Ultimately, it was not my boyfriend I wanted to talk to when I was upset about so much stuff going on with my parents and my relationship with my dad; it was my best friend since like 2016 at uni and not you. Does that not show you something was wrong? I left the flat because I really didn’t want to talk to YOU about it.

The truth is sometimes I felt warm and happy in your arms and sometimes I did not and towards the last few months I kept not saying I love you back and it was not because I was depressed; it was because I was being the blunt bitch I am.

I stopped being myself when I was with you and I never want that again.

It is very hard right now to deal with the fact I have all these conflicted feelings right now about caring about you and hating you at the same time and I am not eating much now because you are the part of the reason I have anorexia; you reduced me to my body and now I reduce myself to my body.

You may have said I should live life to spite you when I texted you for ages the other night but that is not what I have done or what I am going to do; I am living life for myself because I want to move on and have a better life and be treated better by people and not have such a fucked up year ever again. I want things to only get better from now and that is why I live.


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I cling to my teal coloured bedroom walls

Clinging to my teal coloured bedroom walls-

Identity gone

I am lost

So I look at the old self portrait 

From 2006

My eyes look so bright

I look so cute 

So I cling to my old favourite perfume

My old jewellery 

My new jewellery

Need to fix those massive diamond earrings

I bought myself.

I cling to my teal coloured bedroom walls

Because my identity is gone-

I am lost 

So I stay in my teal coloured bedroom

Because this is my favourite colour

I have lost my sense of self-

Lost the body I had since 18

Lost my curves 

Lost my innocence

Lost my sense of the world

Lost my trust in men I date

So I cling to the teal coloured bedroom walls,

The old rubbish books

From my past when I lost myself in them

The good Agatha Christie books

I cling to the old ornaments, the rocks,

My watch

From when I was 21

I keep clinging to the teal coloured bedroom walls

Because my identity is gone-

I’m lost 

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How to tell I’m in a bipolar high

I start swearing more than usual and using the F work a lot. Maybe I start wearing red lipstick all the time and smoking cigarettes more. I might start getting angry with people, randomly dancing like I’m on ecstasy to music, laughing a lot at random shit that maybe isn’t that funny.

If it is a proper high I will suddenly write loads of poetry and have so much creativity I write a poem in two minutes. Can’t even write good stuff unless I’m in a high!

If it gets really bad like it hasn’t this time thankfully; I will start drinking a lot, taking drugs and other risky behaviour and probably download my tinder again and get loads of dates with guys planned.

Might even jet off somewhere impulsively and spontaneously if it is really bad.

I do not get violent with people and only shout at people or get angry with them.

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In losing you I discovered songs I never listened to before

In losing you

I discovered songs 

I never listened to before

I listened to our song

And it didn’t mean anything to me

And I just kept singing that song

With so much glee

So much happiness

I finally am free

I listened to my favourite song ever

Tears dry on their own

And I I didn’t feel the tears fall

As it was so relatable to you

So relatable to my first love

But I sang it with so much happiness

So much glee

I’m finally free

I can be me

In losing you

I discovered my own song-

I discovered myself,

I discovered who I am now-

Don’t let people bring me down now

I did what I had to

So you wouldn’t bring me down now

I will never let myself sink

Into the icy deep Atlantic Ocean again-

In losing you 

I discovered songs 

I never discovered before-

I discovered my song

And now I feel happier

Now I feel free

Now I am me

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I fucking wanna sue you

I fucking wanna sue you

Take your hard earned cash from you

That three million that you definitely have

Or maybe even four million

With all your pensions

I fucking wanna sue you

Take it all

Not because I want the money

But because I wanna take something from you

Because I felt like taking my own life

Once again because of you

Because of everything you did

So I want to fucking sue you

Take something from you

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I am not taking any shit anymore

Finally no longer taking any shit

Finally accepted all you did

Kept thinking it was an accident,

A mistake

Except when you obviously touched my waist

Can’t write it out it hurts so much

Finally realising why

I have so much anger towards you

So much resentment

Why I keep calling you a fucking bastard

Remembering I always look my bedroom door

Because of you

Because of you

Because I was so terrified of you

I am so terrified of you

And now I am standing on my own

With only a pack of pall mall XL

And my friends 

Supporting me

Have lost my sister and mother

But they can rot in hell

With you 

You can rot in hell 

For all your abusive, manipulative, wrong 

Even stalkerish behaviour

I am not taking any shit anymore

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Thank you so much to my many real true friends

So thank you to the people who left my life

When you decided it was too much

Or decided I was some fucking freak

Because I had bipolar at 19

I don’t need you anymore at all

And thank you for the memories.

Thank you for the many people who gave me

So much fucking shit 

Men and friends and school kids and family.

You didn’t break me in the end

You just taught me to be so strong-

So strong that I’m not broken by it all

But most of all thank you to my true real friends

Who love me for who I am

Who put up with the overdoses,

Suicide attempts,

Hospital stays,

Relapses

And were there for me

When everything fell to shit

You guys are my true family 

And I love you so much

I will forever be grateful

That I have so many real true friends in life-

I’m so lucky

So thank you so much 

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