I am sorry that I forgot/did not remember to tell you that I really did love you for the first few months at least until my feelings became so mixed.
I do not take back anything I said to you the other night; it is all truth. I was genuinely accidentally hurting myself again and again like you did to me and it was so fucked up and making me cry and making me distressed so I had to talk to you.
I do miss you and the good moments together despite it all but I know this is all for the best and it was so unhealthy and toxic and codependent and I am never crawling back again.
You showed me such kindness and affection and yet at the same time treated me like shit by constantly commenting on my body all the time and telling me how much you loved fucking me and I really don’t believe you when you said you loved me so fucking so much because you seemed to only love fucking me.
Do you not even remember when I left the flat for good and you said that you didn’t care if we didn’t last forever and it didn’t matter? And that really broke my heart.
I know that you did a lot to accommodate for my needs given my past history but it was ultimately not enough; those ‘mistakes’ you refer to were fucking assault.
And it kept happening again and again and then you kept not asking for full consent.
Ultimately, it was not my boyfriend I wanted to talk to when I was upset about so much stuff going on with my parents and my relationship with my dad; it was my best friend since like 2016 at uni and not you. Does that not show you something was wrong? I left the flat because I really didn’t want to talk to YOU about it.
The truth is sometimes I felt warm and happy in your arms and sometimes I did not and towards the last few months I kept not saying I love you back and it was not because I was depressed; it was because I was being the blunt bitch I am.
I stopped being myself when I was with you and I never want that again.
It is very hard right now to deal with the fact I have all these conflicted feelings right now about caring about you and hating you at the same time and I am not eating much now because you are the part of the reason I have anorexia; you reduced me to my body and now I reduce myself to my body.
You may have said I should live life to spite you when I texted you for ages the other night but that is not what I have done or what I am going to do; I am living life for myself because I want to move on and have a better life and be treated better by people and not have such a fucked up year ever again. I want things to only get better from now and that is why I live.